Undoubtedly the best aspect of being a man is the ability to pee wherever and whenever (within reason) one desires. The convenience of this cannot be overstated. Yes ladies, it’s a fact that we learn very early in life, if my three-year-old son Charlie is anything to go by.
Let me set the scene. About a year ago my wife and I moved into our dream home. For 10 years we have worked and saved so we could finally afford the extra bedroom, garage space, land for the kids to play on and the pièce de résistance; our 35,000 litre inground swimming pool. I’ve argued more than once that the rest of the house was built simply to accommodate the pool. We love the thing. That’s why I’m so adamant my little boy does not treat it like his own personal dunny.
For months I’ve told him, whatever you do, don’t pee in the pool. Just get out and do it on the grass. Simple. Fortunately, and it gives me much pleasure to say this, he has been listening to his old man. Unfortunately though, it gives me much displeasure to also report he recently whipped it out during one of my eight-year-old daughters’ sleepovers. Awkward. Let me just say, there ain’t no noise more shrill than a gaggle of primary school age girls screaming at my young son’s old fella. They were completely and utterly horrified. And this put me in quite the predicament.
You see, on the one hand, my little boy did exactly what I’ve been telling him to do. He didn’t wee in the pool. He got out and did it on the grass. A+ for following directions. The unfortunate thing however is that three-year-old’s don’t really care about their audience. The bush wee in front of family only, or a wee in front of visiting guests is much of a muchness to a toddler. Really the whole debacle is my fault as his “stand up and wee outside” pool educator. So I’ll cop this one on the chin. Don’t blame the kid, blame his overly protective of the chemical balance in his pool father.
On a positive note, the toilet training is going well. We haven’t had a pair of wet jocks or a sneaky number two in weeks. And I guess that’s where I’ll draw the line. Number one’s on the grass we can accept, no matter the audience. Number two’s. Well that’s one we just can’t cop Charlie boy. Love you so much my son.
